A coming of age's tale
No it's not the sequel to a Hollywood blockbuster movie.
It's a milestone.
It's like when your fitbit tells you you've completed your 10,000 steps for the day lol.
Only for me, this is how long it has taken me to write this post (and this blog) in the first place.
Why now? Because it's just simply TIME.
This is my coming of age: MIND & BODY.
The before and after. The revelation. The dirty secret.
And it really is the toughest words i have ever had to write.
Something i wouldn't have done 1460 days ago.
I did ok at school, studying was hard but i tried to achieve good grades. Kind of did, kind of didn't. Meh. But i was never confident. From middle school, i was bullied. Viciously.
For they way i looked. Not for who i was.
I was brought up to be a polite, studious, well behaved, kind kid and to be humble, nice to others, i thought that's how the world worked.
I was a little too sheltered to realise that, for which ever reason, others didn't have to be quite as kind to me back. And i was just fully unprepared for the rejection. The scorn. The ridicule.
Never said anything. After all it was all part of growing up right? And it was MY FAULT.
If i just was kinder....if i was better at school...if i looked like every body else...then maybe...just maybe.
Since then, I changed skins many times in order to fit in. I think that was my coping mechanism.
But it never full filled and pretending was just a ticking bomb.
I pretended i was fine with the way i looked.
I pretended it was fine when i was out of breath every time i was going up a flight of stairs.
I pretended i was fine with never fitting in to the clothes my friends wore.
I pretended i wasn't wounded when the shop assistants said: 'we have nothing for you here'.
I pretended it didn't bother me when i was made fun of.
I pretended, in fact, i expected to be a man's best friend. Never girlfriend.
I pretended i was just fine having to wear boys t-shirts because i didn't fit in the girl/women sizes.
I pretended. A lot.
And I ate. I cooked. I ate some more. I was reckless with my mind and my body.
And then it was suddenly 16 years on, my mirror image and my demons just caught up.
The problem, you see, was never just the BODY: it was the MIND.
In one marvellous, painful moment of absolute clarity, I decided this was not how it was going to end.
What did it for me?
The very last straw?
It was, quite simple: I looked at myself in the mirror, realised i wasn't HAPPY.
That was it. Can't escape yourself.
Signed up to a gym that very day. Invested in a PT; I invested in myself.
Learnt to understand that food was not comfort. That it isn't LOVE.
But it is fuel for performance and enjoyment.
I learnt to pinpoint my triggers and crush them.
Started training at first, just with my PT. I just could not face the gym floor by myself!
A couple of times a week. And the weight started to come off. Little by little.
Slowly, but consistently over the next two years, i worked on it every day.
I loved the feeling of getting smaller, faster, fitter.
I thought my target was a size 16.
I thought that would be the moment all the anger, fear, confidence issues would just vanish into thin air.
So i trained, and trained, and trained some more.
Every class i could do and upped my PT sessions to 3 a week.
Entered two Race For Life 5k. Anything that would make the weight go away.
But the mind wasn't quite there yet.
Don't get me wrong: with every compliment about my new appearance, my confidence did grow. And it was an incredible feeling, when i could shop a size 18 in high street store for the first time in 10 years. I was so thrilled. All the clothes! All the compliments!
This was what i was missing and would make me WHOLE again. Eureka!
NAAAAAA. Wrong Answer. Yet again.
In the short term, having a goal is important to motivate you. It did me. But that wasn't it.
I did buy 'all' the clothes. I filled my wardrobe with things.
And for a time, i believed that was making me happy.
THINGS. More things= more self love= more confidence = happy.NOT.
That's when the MIND came in.
You have to make a conscious effort to understand that you are your only limitation.
That 'Happy' is in fact, a state of mind. Not a size. That the scale is not a measure of your true worth.
That all the dis or approval from 'others' will not fulfil you inner need for SELF LOVE and peace of mind.
Another moment of clarity.
I went from wanting to look good, to wanting to be STRONG, run from 5 to 10k, lift heavier, eat delicious nourishing foods that i enjoy cooking, go out with my friends without obsessing over my weight and constantly comparing my self to others.
Losing the weight going through this transformation has helped me realise, that you can really do anything!
What i know about myself now, This is what confidence is.
Making the change took grit i didn't know i had.
Determination i never felt before.
So much discipline, i pinch myself to think just how many times i preferred a chicken breast to a slice of cake.
I re-trained, or better, i reprogrammed my mind into believing that I was going to do it NO MATTER WHAT.
And that is the true switch. When the MIND is on board. YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
Wether weight loss, a new career, moving to another country.
What ever you want. END OF.
Look at the pictures. What do you see? Quite frankly, i don't care. Judge away.
But if you are in the same place i was, and want to make a change than look:
there is proof that YOU CAN DO IT.
It is going to take time. Happiness truly does come from within.
That you are yours! Not the sum of other's opinions.
This post is to celebrate my 38th year on this earth. To celebrate the struggles, the victories, this fucked up coming of age. To say that i am PROUD of myself: not just for the outer shell, but for being a badass at going for what i wanted to achieve. FOR ME.
I am fitter, healthier, happier, more confident. I am an athlete in the making. I am a business woman. I am a music lover. I am ABLE, WILLING and determined. So much to achieve yet.
I AM finally MINE. Mind & Body.
And to You struggling out there to make that change. You are only one moment away from the best decision of your life.
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- Eats all the time (lol), albeit healthier
- Bench presses 35kg (working on it lol)
- Squats 70kg for 10 reps and what seems an infinite number of sets 😂 but it's in fact 4 sets)
- Runs at a steady pace of 7 miles an hour with peaks of 9
- Runs 10k, first time in life.
- Is still a massive clown and loves squirrels
- Pizza is life <3
- Active wear fiend
- Caped Caterer and New Kid on the blog
- Makes a mean oat apple crumble (canny bake lol)
- Smiles a hell of a lot more 😉