AND THEN THERE'S MUSIC
I have been ... strangely uninspired. Unfocused. Even if i have so much to do and have started on a new journey. After the whirlwind excitement of the past couple of days, i sat down at my computer, hands on keyboards, waiting to type the many journals i wanted to write. Nothing. Not a letter.
Blank. White. Page. Uncomfortable. Unsettling. Writer's Block.
For the first time in a while, the words just wouldn't come out.
It seems that when you have a really huge story to write, not a story but THE STORY,
the mind just refuses to process it for real.
Tried to write it a thousand times: what's in my heart of hearts, but the words just keep escaping me, as if putting it all down on paper would mark a metaphorical, yet very real end. Book Closed.
Because, to me, THE story is far from over and i can't bring myself to type it up. Raw. Unedited.
I am holding on to it, so tight even though it's slipping right through my fingers.
I try to frantically salvage it. Delay the inevitable. As if i hold on just enough, to even just a drop, i would be able to guard it. Because, my life depends on it. Because, It's that precious. And mine.
I walked around, aimlessly for a while: no thoughts, no words.
Wonderwall, the Ryan Adam's version in the background and here i am suddenly, unable to hold the words back. All it took was a song, a guitar riff, that tone of voice, that lyric.
All the words are right here in this rather discombobulated blog post. And i warn you, it may not make much sense to you, but it brings so much clarity to me.
The answer was MUSIC all along. My first love, the only constant, ever since i can remember.
Music has been there for me through everything: the good and the bad. The Rise and the Fall. The Fire & The Flood.
Whenever i listen to songs, everything seems to make sense, even when i am training.
My songs seem to know me better than i do; they hold all the answers and help me when i least expect it (or maybe my iPhone does lol).
I started thinking about the comfort that they bring me, the passion, the fire, the tears, the laughs, the silly dances, the big smiles, the memories, the feelings.
I feel it all, you know. Like needle pricks on my skin when i get inked, they give me a rush of blood to the head, a sort of ecstasy i can't quite put in to words.
Every song is as part of me, just as much as my tattoos.
They tell my story, the story of the people i love and have loved, since the beginning of time.
If i ever get to write the story, now i know, it won't be through words. it would be with all the songs that accompany me.
Does that make sense? It truly does to me.
I am not eloquent enough to explain in my own words all that i am and feel but my music is.
My life story wouldn't be a book but a playlist.
Strange isn't it, when i am in the business of words.
Music is very personal. But i bet, if i ever met you and you told me a song,
that's how i'd get to know you. Music creates an unbreakable bond between people, i think.
Does it happen to you? I'm sure it does. You know, like that time you and your best friend were out in the club and your jam came on, you'd be able to tell me the adventure of the night, the emotions. Wouldn't you.
Same for me with my tunes. I may not always be able to put it in to words but my songs will always be able to.
Without rambling on forever, i just wanted to write this impromptu mini post, for the clarity that it brought me, in the most random of ways.
Who knows, maybe one day words will suffice. Until then, i have my music.